You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
