Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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