i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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