Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think im going to throw up on grandma
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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