If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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