69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So much Jack, so little girl.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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