this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
