I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
