Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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