I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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