U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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