Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
