I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
