We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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