Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
