When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
