i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I love you. Go after that dick
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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