saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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