There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
