I'm sorry my penis didn't work
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
