Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
