if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
