You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I need water and some morals
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
