You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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