Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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