i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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