R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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