Hey man sorry I got all grabby
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
