What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
