peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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