I bet he comes in French.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
