I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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