The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
