Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
