boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
