I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
