I'm jealous of your bromance
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
