We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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