That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
