you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
