Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
