this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
