The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
