why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
