It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
