She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
