Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
