I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
