He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
