Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
